On Saturday 2 November 2024, Nonviolent Communication specialist Bridget Belgrave leads our annual Seminar Day. Here, British Gestalt Journal Assistant Editor and Secretary of Gestalt Publishing Ltd Chris O'Malley, asks Bridget a few questions ahead of the day.
Chris: Well, good morning, Bridget, and thank you for taking time to talk to me ahead of the British Gestalt Journal’s online Seminar Day this autumn on Saturday 2 November.
Bridget Belgrave, you've been an NVC trainer with the International Center for Nonviolent Communication, CNVC, since 1996 and you’ve been part of bringing this work to international audiences in many places, including the UK, India, Europe, and North America.
Nonviolent Communication is, as I understand it, a methodology for connection, mutual understanding, and respect, even under difficult circumstances.
You're a speaker and author and co-created the NVC Dance Floors, an embodied method for learning NVC, now translated into eighteen languages.
You say in a quote I found that your intention is to contribute to the life resources that people need in order to grow in their wisdom, strength, and compassion.
You offer events and learning tools based on nearly thirty years of sharing NVC, integrated with lifelong learning from other sources and from personal experience.
Back in 1973, you quit your studies at Oxford University in PPE (politics, philosophy, and economics) disappointed by the lack of current relevance and applicability.
Prior to encountering NVC, you worked as an Alexander Technique teacher and integrated this, Psychosynthesis and Focusing into mind-body-spirit workshops.
You are also the author of a children's novel, Zak, which integrates NVC values and is described as a highly engaging story.
Well, welcome, Bridget.
Bridget: Thank you. I'm in that situation of listening to all that and being surprised.
Chris: You hardly recognised yourself for a moment.
Well, it's great to have you here, and I'm very interested in Nonviolent Communication. Our Seminar Day theme has been developed in the context of a world where violence is so prevalent at the moment; it felt like a really important topic for us to engage with. So could you say something to everybody about your interest in NVC and what it has to offer in the world?
Bridget: Yes - as you've heard in what Chris generously shared about my background, I was involved with quite a lot of different therapeutic modes in the late seventies and through the eighties and early nineties, which supported my growth enormously. When I came across NVC, two things happened. One was, it was the first thing that really touched my own challenge with my anger and temper, which I'd had to deal with since my son was born. He was about ten years old by then, so it was quite a long time.
Even though I'd been applying everything I'd learned, somehow that didn't get to it. And NVC, for me, happened to be the thing that really shifted that. I'm so grateful because, without that, I think our relationship would have broken up. And instead we got through the teen years, which would have been even worse. And we have a very great, warm, close relationship. So you can imagine my gratitude for that.
But the other thing was that it was really important to me to somehow be engaged in the wider social fabric, and the way I was working didn't directly do that. So I was really enormously struck that NVC is something that influences and takes into account both personal change and social change.
Chris: So I'm really hearing the personal and the political coming together and your sense that it really is something we can all learn from, and it can support us in our personal relationships as well as perhaps in work that we will be doing in the world.
Bridget: Exactly. It’s amazingly wide. It's so generic as a human process that it applies in any situation you can think of, actually. It's much wider than anything to do with violence, or nonviolence for that matter. It's very deeply personal as well.
Chris: As the Gestalt model is a holistic model, I know that NVC could seem to be an intellectual, strategic or heady approach, but I think there’s an embodied aspect to it. And I know that you've developed a concept called Dance Floors, which speaks to the body in some way. So can you speak about this?
Bridget: Well, I think the whole of NVC is embodied in the sense that it invites you to go inside and connect with your feelings in a very present-time-oriented way, as well as what you're noticing in the world in present time, or in what you realise in the present you're remembering. Then this really intriguing step of connecting with the needs that are giving rise to your feelings.
What happened with a colleague when we first got involved with NVC in the mid nineties, we needed to find ways to teach NVC that worked for us, and we both had an embodied work background.
So we started to create floor maps, thinking it was just for us in our own trainings, but they just really hit a spot. And so they're now used worldwide, these nine different formats - they're called NVC Dance Floors - which offer nine ways to focus and develop learning skills around NVC. And because you're standing and moving, and the person who facilitates you is moving with you, there's a strong experience in the body as well.
Chris: It sounds intriguing, the specific steps. I'm fascinated to know more about them, but we'll find out on the day. And since it is an online Seminar Day, do you imagine that we'll be able to do some experiential and practical things too?
Bridget: Oh, totally. Definitely. It wouldn't be, for me, NVC if we just talked. It's not actually an intellectual process.
The activities will involve connection and practice and experiential types of exercises.
Chris: I think one of the people credited with developing NVC was Marshall Rosenberg, an American psychologist, and I understand that he was interested in empathy as a quality of presence. And as Gestaltists, we're very interested in presence as part of dialogic relating, after Martin Buber.
I was wondering about your connection with Gestalt because it isn't the principal world in which you live, but I have heard a rumour that you have a kind of Gestalt background to some degree.
Bridget: Yes. To some degree. That was part of the Psychosynthesis training I did in the eighties. We had a five-day Gestalt module, which I really enjoyed.
I really enjoyed the embodied aspect of that really strongly.
I had friends who were training in Gestalt through the eighties and became Gestalt therapists, and I have been in Gestalt therapy myself now and then for a couple of years.
So I love it, and I feel at home with the general space of Gestalt work.
Chris: That's great to hear. It feels like there's a really good, strong possibility of integrating what you do with the Gestalt basis that many of us will have, I suppose, on coming to the Seminar Day.
I noticed that there are other things that are talked about in some of the material I've accessed, things like a focus on awareness and attention.
I've been reading Iain McGilchrist. I very much like his book, The Master and His Emissary.
He talks about attention as a moral act.
Does this kind of apply to NVC in some way?
Bridget: Yes, definitely. Because something I found really amazing was that NVC actually is a process of choosing how you focus your attention, to support the intention of connection, of deeper understanding, of empathy. That can be internal, but also, what was really new for me, is this idea of what to focus my attention on in someone else when they're speaking to me to develop that kind of connection.
So it's moral in the sense that it depends what your intention is. Like, Marshall Rosenberg, who actually also was very influenced by Martin Buber - he would say that without clarity about your intention, it's not Nonviolent Communication. If you just use the skills, you could use them to try and get your own way and be a bit more clever in communication.
That's not NVC. But, having an intention for a compassionate, empathic connection, for care for everybody's needs, your own and other people's, that's the moral part, really, explicitly moral.
Chris: Mhmm. Thanks for unpacking that. The depth of that really resonates with me, to make the feeling all the more stronger that what you're bringing is very relevant to the Gestalt model.
I mean, would you like to tell us a bit more about some recent work you've been doing? Because I know you've recently been in Berlin, and I think you've been to Nepal. I didn't know how recently that was. But, I know there are things that you might like to tell us a bit more about what you've been up to.
Bridget: Yeah. I just got back from two weeks working in Berlin, which has been a fabulous opportunity. I was working in an artist’s studio there, where there are a hundred people making the artwork of Olafur Eliasson, who's very committed to social justice and climate change and awareness in his artwork.
So one thing I've loved with NVC is it gets me into all kinds of unexpected settings. And I was saying there, it's like I'm oiling a few of the stuck places in this whole community of people. So the whole thing, if you just free up here and there and there, then things flow more easily. I did individual work with some of them and a workshop for everybody.
Nepal, actually, I referred to in our conversation before. That's just because there's a film about some post-conflict work in Nepal that really touches me. I know the people who are involved. I didn't go there myself. They'd had a civil war, and somebody made a one-hour film about this Nonviolent Communication training and restorative dialogue that was used as part of the peacemaking process in a really grim scenario. People were brought together from the different sides who’d harmed and sometimes killed each other's families.
To me it's amazing that the same exact process of NVC can work in that intensity all the way through to, you know, a mother with her son, or a couple. I do quite a bit of couples work with NVC as well.
The other work I've done recently has been in Japan and more online work these days. You know, since COVID, I, like many people, have shifted more online.
Chris: I think what we can probably do with your permission is to put a link or two from some of the films that you referred to there into the transcript of this chat that we're having, because I think that would be interesting for people to get more of a flavour of NVC ahead of the event.
Links:
Studio Visits: Bridget Belgrave
Raamro Aakha Ma (In the Eyes of the Good), NVC and restorative dialogue in Nepal
A lot of us as therapists and many of us feel a little bit impotent and as if there's so much going wrong in the world that it's difficult to feel satisfied with the process of therapy as we do it. Is NVC something that supports optimism or a sense of empowerment for you in your life?
Bridget: Yes and no, actually.
You know, I don't have grandiose ideas that we're going to save the world or something like that.
And, yes, I find it really touching, the micro moments of change that can happen, whether it's in a macro conflict or in a very personal way.
So the do-ability, you know, people can learn this. People can be supported to do this, or they can actually learn to do it themselves.
And I think that practicality and learnability is also why I got involved. I like that kind of thing that sits on the line between education and healing or therapy.
So that's really where NVC sits in my view.
Chris: It's lovely to hear that line you talked about there. I am really touched by that.
Yeah. So in terms of encouraging people to come to the event with you, I know I'm excited about it. I think all of us at the BGJ are. What would you hope that people will get from the day?
Bridget: Well, I know when you first contacted me that you talked about the state of the world and all the conflicts. And how can we be in this world and contribute to it turning more into a world that we want? So, I have been reflecting on that, and I think that I will bring in what you can do before conflict, what you can do during it, and what you can do after.
These are all aspects of shifting the way that the world operates.
But more importantly, well, as importantly, or as part of that, Marshall Rosenberg identified the kind of thinking that we do that is part of conflict. And it's so clear, and it's really, really helpful to become aware of that. So we'll be exploring that.
And, also, maybe as a therapist, it's interesting how we define feelings in NVC, because it’s a little more specific than is used in a therapeutic context with a different purpose, and also how we define needs and how they relate to feelings.
I have worked with groups of therapists before. Not that everybody, of course, will be a therapist who's on this Seminar Day. There's something that stands out, I think, for people about the way that we bring universal human needs in, in NVC, as well as then moving that to an action step. What can you do to better meet the needs that matter to people?
So we will be going through the basic process. We will be then going through some things to do with conflict, and there'll be some Q&A time. And I really hope to engage with people who are there.
I know we're surprised how online, we can still feel really connected. So I look forward to connecting with whoever comes, Chris.
Chris: That's lovely, Bridget. It's been wonderful to hear your experience and wisdom coming through even in this short interview that we're doing ahead of the event.
So thank you. We're calling the event, De-structuring conflict and finding new ways, and that seems to really resonate with what I've heard you saying this morning.
So thanks again for your time and we really look forward to working with you to plan the event in a bit more detail. We’re hoping that many people who have seen this will feel motivated to come along and experience the day with you. So, Bridget, thank you very much, and look forward to seeing you again very soon.
Bridget: I look forward to that too, and to the day.
British Gestalt Journal Seminar Day 2024
De-structuring conflict and finding new ways
Contributions of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) to a more peaceful world with Bridget Belgrave
Saturday 2 November 2024, 11am - 4pm (GMT)
Via Zoom. A Zoom link will be sent via email to registrants on the morning of the event.
Tickets are £50 or Pay What You Can